Monday, July 8, 2013

Storm Clouds

I woke up this morning feeling groggy despite my earlier then usual bedtime last night, as if hungover from an overindulgent, long sleep. Though the skies this morning look like the sun may win the battle over the dark storm clouds that have lingered here the last few days, the ground is wet and the air, heavy and still.

The air conditioner has been working overtime this week, temperatures soaring into the high thirties and low forties with the heavy blanket of humidity, the trees and plants loving this hot, wet weather have grown monstrous transforming the city into an urban jungle of sorts.

Though the sun is starting to filter through the clouds, I'm finding it difficult to shake the heaviness in my limbs, my joints are stiff and creaky, my heart a little sad.  
How we take for granted the life we live today, the assumption that we will forever be surrounded by our loved ones and we assume that others feel the same.  
Then out of the blue, a curve ball 
something happens that douses you with an ice cold splash of reality.  
Life is change and nothing, good or bad, will last forever.  
And as some take precautions to protect and guard what they feel like rightfully theirs, I am left feeling sad and hurt that the very people who I trusted and thought as my own don't feel the same.  
I'm told that I'm feeling emotional over nothing..that taking it personally makes no sense.  
And though I agree that logically it's no surprise, 
all I know right now is the feeling of bright disappointment and uncertainty.  

A vulnerability is setting in that I have never felt before, a sense of regret that I've laid all my cards on the table, unknowing that some have held theirs back.  

I can feel my walls being built back up.  
Instinctive self-preservation.  
I'm fighting it right now because my walls are strong and sturdy and once they're built, they will take too much time and painful effort to tear down again.

I think today will be a day of quiet resolution.  
A day to gather my thoughts and climb out of this hole I've unknowingly sunk into.  

I need to listen to my heart, it has a lot to say today.

xo Blue Gnome 


  1. First of all, your photos of the storm clouds are gorgeous! Stormy weather always makes me feel 'alive'!

    I'm so sorry that your heart is hurt and heavy right now...but very glad you are taking time to listen to what it has to say. It's so easy to shut down and not listen, isn't it, to build walls to keep the world out, to keep the pain 'manageable'...bearable. But you're right of's so bloody exhausting to build those walls, to maintain them...and deep down we always know the pain is still waiting on the other side of those damn walls, no matter how thick we build them!

    I'm sorry, too, that you're been told not to take things personally. It's such a funny thing, isn't it... When people say that to me what I hear is that they're telling me I shouldn't hurt. But we each have our raw spots, don't we, those vulnerable bits that break our heart a little when poked and prodded. So, I hope you continue to allow whatever you're feeling and that you can cry and be angry and hurt and a little pissed off...and that you have just the right friends to talk to who can allow that, too. I have yet to find anything more healing than allowing my feelings and accepting them for what they are in that moment.

    Sending hugs!

    1. Thanks Ash :) As always, the perfect words for whatever occasion. Hugs to you! xx